Disease

Is not that I don’t want to be with her, so I can help with the heavy load, is my anger towards her lightness of her situation, yes it infuriate me, the peace how she is handling all this…
I would be crying, being mad with the world, and asking why me and why now? but not her , she doesn’t even want to ask for a little company , not even over the phone.
I always wonder how people that goes to this process had the strength to suffer with a smile in their faces and in their hearts, my first reaction was numbness and then sadness and at the end totally madness, because I always consider myself a strong person in anyway possible, and this was not happening directly to me so why I can not handle it?, why is so hard to grab the bull by the horns, that is my slogan for my problems or obstacles in life, head on, and this was a low and soft blow I could not handle…
I was reading last night one book, and this stayed with me even in my dreams, “we come to earth to be happy and feel and give love”, how can we expect to learn and accept happy when horrible things happened in the world and to our love ones?, so hard, isn’t life a bitch.
I just want to learn to handle this that is happening in me , anger is in me right now, and anger towards her, I know is wrong but that is the way im feeling , hopefully I can cope with this like everybody that goes through this do. I just want to smile and breath without pain.