Still

I have been going crazy, lets say it better in a crazy path of nothing! It so hard to see the real “path”, or walkway if you want to call it that, is so dark ,but not dark enough to loose my self in it. Is like been on the beach strand you can feel the cement on you feet, hear the waves of the ocean, and smell that salty fresh smell, and there it is that thick and cold cloud just when you try to see the waves and the path in front of you and is not completely dark is that time of the day when the sun already set but you see all grayish, like I said not dark enough, but still make my sight blind in a way, feel the cold of the breeze, I was ok a moment ago, now that panic inside me staring to come out , I have goose bumps , but I realize in a second is not the cold weather , starts from the tips of my fingers and my toes , and my stomach start to feel heavy, like a just been punch on it. OHHH come on what the hell is going on with me? I was ok a minute ago , to many feelings at the same time, why a can’t see what my bright path is , so I can get out of this dark cloud around me?, I want to but I can’t move …. So hard is easy just to let my body endure this crazy feeling, it doesn’t hurt is just a empty cold feeling, but would I get out of this when I want to or I would grow with the time with no more feelings in me, like nice feelings or feeling at all? should I fight what I believe I’ve learn from my love ones to fight to stay happy?, or just let it be, I can’t say is giving up, is just that I’m tired I just want to rest for a few minutes, or hours, days ..Not sure, I just want to let this cold and still feeling carry me for a while, like I once said, go we the flow, not pushing it in the opposite way, just let it be, easy I can breathe without hurting, let the moist in the air breath for me, let the sound of the waves carry me to my destiny, let the gray light be my heart, I just want to pause for a moment, just the exact time I need to recharge and.. don’t want to think anymore.

Letter to Love

Letter to Love:

Really, I just wanted to tell you that I think you are complicated, selfish, hypocrite , conceited , and all the bad names any written and spoken language can give you, Yes my Love, first, you come to me in this sweet and interesting fragrance that I can almost taste, but I can't .
Then I get close to you and you make me wait for you to make sure I am the one you're looking for, come on, really? takes me days to fall for you and years to forget you.
Love you've been hurting all of me. Don't play anymore, just be honest. I really don't believe you can, you hide behind flowers, chocolate, romantic music, beautiful smiles, honey eyes, etc. Yes the list can go on and on....
Why do you make me like you? then just let me go "for our own good" what the hell does that mean????
Some friends tell me that you are loyal, that you truly respect me and accept me for who I am. I think you show me your love face and is just lust what is really inside you.
I don't think is all that bad, but anyway, see I lost it right there, even writing about your face comes and goes.
I didn't pass the test of survival , I know that I have to surrender to you but it's hard to let go of what I've been taught over the years, and also I think you just want me to be stronger, but I can't, I'm weak and scare to give you all I am, I know your not asking for that , but sometimes I have the feeling that you will one day ask for it.
What I'm feeling is horrible, not having you drives me crazy but I know this will help me to know myself better and that's a good thing, a very good thing, I've been lost for a while, even long before I met you, yes, sorry I didn't tell you before , again my fears of expectations, so It was a good thing having you for a while, I've learned that hate is not good for my soul, it will destroy my stomach, (Stomach Ulcers are really painful), and my poor lungs are starting to fight against all that smoke I've inhaled, is enough with all the contamination we already have on planet earth,
OK, I'll let you go now, hope we can be friends and maybe someday I will be ready to have you once again.
Stay true to yourself , I know I will......WELL AT LEAST I WILL TRY.

your friend

Blue